parabolaeffect

Time. It is time. Soon, so soon.
I will make my choice.
I will have my answer.
Finally, it will be time.

i forgot a few.....



splitting melons in the attic

fuck.
run over the hills.
eat your spaghetti.
dont forget the dog in the washer.
jump over the moon with me.
pulling the weeds out of my shower
drawing the last breath gone
cutting my walls
drive me, drive me to my sanity
before that tree eats me.

---------



walk into my life. please.

walk into my life. please.

would that boy who is everything i am looking for and more so walk into my life.
i want, need the boy who will make my blood boil when he is around.
i need that feeling of losing control when i feel his touch.
i need the boy who will love all my little oddities and quarks and not fake it.
i need the boy who will make me laugh when i feel so empty.
i need the boy who will hold me.
i need the boy who i can finally cry infront of.
i need the boy who will take control of everything.
i need the boy who will be the anchor to my insanity.
i need the boy who will not demand anything of me.
i need the boy who will love me, unconditionally and passionitly.

i need the boy will make the world stop for me.

despite what everyone thinks..

i have not seen anyone who makes my blood boil when i see him.
i have never experinced that extreme feelin when a boy touches my skin.
i have not seen a boy who absolutely loves my little quarks and oddities.(i think)
i have not seen that boy who makes me laugh when i am nothing but a shell.
i have not seen a boy who will hold me, its always the other way around.
i have not seen a boy who i can finally cry infront of.
i have not seen a boy who will take control.
i have not seen a boy who could be my anchor.
i have not seen a boy who does not demand of me.
i have not seen a boy who love me, unconditionally and passionatly.

i have not seen a boy who makes the world stop for me.

walk into my life. please.

---------



optimisim

will i be here tomorrow?
will i be here when i awake in the morning?
or will i long be gone?
do i know where it all ends?
do i know if i really am eternally damn'd
or if i am just fooling myself?
can you tell me what to do?
can you tell me which path to take?
or can you give me that key?
have i forgotten what it means to live?
have i lost all hope?
or have i had it all along?

i have always had it all along.
i have not lost all hope.
and i have not forgotten what it means to live.
you can never give me a key that does not exist.
you can never tell me what path to take when there is only one.
and you can never tell this rebel what to do.
i am only fooling myself when i doubt myself.
i know i am only damned when i damn myself.
and i know that there never is an end.
i will always be here, close to you.
i will awake from my dreams.
and i will be here tomorrow.

i will be here tomorrow.

i will.

---------

live life full of life

for each pastel sunset to pass

another piece of ourselves is lost

and as grandfather chimes to last

we try to slove the puzzle

but gone is the answer

live life full of life

as tonite may be the last puzzle piece.

---------

flight 09151988

we have turbulance.

the engines seem to be failing.

were going down.

down into the furry of the storm and ocean.

down into its magnificent beauty.

only there will be no lost.

no fellow survivors.

no wilsons.

nothing.

---------

untold power sleeps inside
my hallow bones and weary muscles
waiting, endlessly for that waking,
unknown in my future.

fatigue's death grip drains
my life slips away
into the great void thats is life
having no mercy.

that one touch to wake it
is all that i wish
one touch, so raw, so unforgiving
is all that i wish.

apathy walks beside me
never knowing its cue
feeding me only regret
leaching away my future.

that one touch to wake it
is all that i want
one touch, so caring, so thoughtful
is all that i want.

fear thrives in my veins
knowing no cure
posioning my thoughts
decaying this shell of mine.

that one touch to wake it
is all that i seek
one touch, so moving, so heartpounding
is all that i seek.

loneliness holds me at all times
while i sleep, while i live
suffocating me from my knight
leaving only a world, cold and dark.

that one touch to wake it
is all that i need
one touch, so loving, so hurtful
is all that i need.

untold power sleeps inside
deep in my slumbering soul
waiting for the one
to tell me everything
and nothing i desire to hear.

untold power sleeps inside
of my very existence
waiting to vanquish
the four horsemen
of my apocolypse.

---------

everyday i stuggle. everyhour i fight. everyminute i suffer. everysecond i endure. i want to kill. i want to yell. i want to cry. everymoment is harder then the last. bringing me closer and closer to chaos. the chaos i dread so yet prize so highly. it is the dream i wish to live. a dream that seems more of a nightmare to others.

those that have tread upon that path, i admire. the step they took is harder then i can handle. yet everymoment, i am one step closer to it. i am afraid to move foward. i fear success. terror grips my mind in the loneliest of hours. the hours that dominate my time. my life. i fear the future. all of its stepping stones to power, security, wealth, all of it meaningless. all of it is wasting my life away.

i pull forth the effort every morning to walk forward in my day. i pull it all from the deepest part of my stamina. but everyday i take five steps backwards it seems. i awaken hoping for a better day, wishing for a better day when i truly dont care. when i fight myself. i fight with those that try for the best for me. i fight with those that are doing there job. i fight myself. how can i move foward when i cant even control the dark side of my nature. how can i accomplish anything when i cant even tame that devil inside of me. how can i.

destroy. scream. tears. how sad my life has become. how pathetic. how...useless. will i last the nite. will i last the tomorrow. will i last the week. the months. year. will i resolve my selfish crises. will i slay my demons. will i lay my fears to rest.

maybe. maybe not.

my one hope. my one ray of light. it dims with every thought of mine. as my anchor to sanity has held true, i fear it weakens. with every word, the light slowly fades. but that light still shines. that hope still rebels against the overwhelming chaos. against the mind-numbing abyss. so i hold onto that ray of hope. i hold on with every sore muscle, with every dying thought. as i sink further and further, i struggle to hold on. i fight to breathe.

---------

the last light blanketed it. all around me the world radiated with beauty, with grace.
no shadow could escape this bliss. no evil could invade this paradise.
life glowed with an unearthly joy. every stone, every blade of grass breathed in the dying sun's last light.
only the sky resisted. its shades of blues and blacks screaming hate at the last stand of life.
then, as i stood there, taking in such beauty of the land and the horrible face of the sky, it died.
every shadow grew. every evil took hold. the defiant sky reclaimed its forbidden prize.
the last light blanketed it. the last light lost it. now all that remains is this beautiful, dark, cold world.
now all that remains is the world of lost twilight.

---------

I can feel him. I can see him. I can hear him.

I can feel the warmth of his body. I can see his beautiful eyes in the sun. I can hear his voice comforting my worries.

I can feel his hand slowly grasp my own. I can see his smile as laughter takes hold of him. I can hear his quiet whispers in the night.

I can feel his heart beating every second. I can see his playful hair in the wind. I can hear worry in his silent thoughts.

If he were real, I could feel him, I could see him, i could hear him, i could love him.

If he were real, he would love me

---------

so yeah, im -finally- going to put all my writings of creative origins in this journal. so i'll post all my old writings here in one big post! yayness for you all.


sitting...waiting...
click click goes the wheel
growling mice
loving ceilings
save me now
sitting...waiting...
boom boom goes my floor
twitching batteries
shaking desks
save me now.
staring spoons
strangling headphones
taunting nails
save me now.

---------

rolling, just rolling off my tongue
uncontrollable, freakishly so
shatter it all, to fucking pieces
pick me up, one more time please
pick me up, one more time
fuck this line of mine
forget it all, every last bit
suffocate my last cry, its fucking killing me
pick me up, fuck, just one more time
pick me up, just one more fucking time
twitching pleasure, tingling my skin
pick me up, one more time.
just one more fucking time.

---------


here i stand, on this edge
tears fall from my precious eyes
my body shakes, such trembling
i peek across
towards my death
my life
here i stand
tears, tremors and all
not filled with shadows
but with a blissful light
here i stand, on this edge
full of tears
bearing the smile of a four year old
i take that first, that last step
i fall over this edge
no longer standing in reality
i fall, faster, harder
and laughing all the way down.

---------

March 19, 2006

Hello,
Im writing this letter to you for many reasons.
Many desires. But only one is of importance. You have been
given a chance, a chance to change the world. Your world
and everyone else's. Will this change be for the better or
for worse? It's not up to you to decide. Change is
your decision. As you read this, will you let reality
change? Are you willing to take that step, open this
door, use that key, to turn your world upside down
and inside out? Dont fret, it is but a simple
choice. Will you or will you not; that is all i ask.
Your answer is yours alone. Yes alone. I cannot
hold your hand or even stand besides you. If you
say yes, then look around you and open your eyes.
Speak your words and listen. Touch the ground beneath
and feel. Open yourself to the world, to your reality
and it will all be yours. Embrace the reality you
have claimed as your own and you will find your answers.
If you say yes, then all of what i have said may come
to pass or you may find yourself in a ditch of your own
making. I do not know which, and neither do you.
But that is the challenge behind the question.
Will you or will you not?

Sincerly,

---------

im bleeding
gold and silver
from wounds forgot
im bleeding
but i smile

i lay alone
in the darkest of hours
i feel not his touch
i lay alone
but i smile

a disgrace i am
abomination to all
shame to one
a disgrace i am
but i smile

i smile in his face
smiling without restraint
with all the heart i posses
i smile with bloodied hands
disgraced, alone i smile

but i smile.

---------

pain, so much pain
my heart doesnt bleed
no, no it doesnt
my lungs, my lungs wither
drowning from my own blood
aching, moaning muscles
filling my head with screams
flesh, burning underneath comfort
burning, burning my entire being
calm, peace, envelops it all
a tortured, screaming peace
a peace nonetheless.

---------

neither dreams or realities
i had misty nights ago
lost, forgotten
wandering in sorrow
neither dreams or realities
for i had
fantasy
fantasy i have again

---------

im drained
what once i burned for,
strived to master,
is but an empty hole

it is a futere, a way out
yet i treat it as back alley
with nothing to offer but day old trash

am i day old trash
just rotting, taking space
in the way for new age appliances

im drained
ive nothing left for old flames
ive only strength for others

ive no longer have myself
only a puppet with no strings.

---------

tired and torn
reach, reach, reach
just a little farther i must
no, no, no
too far for these arms
why, why, why
i can't catch you
falling, falling, falling
not far enough for you
call, call, call
on this end i'll always be
wait, wait, wait
forever here on the line
here, here, here
will be a heart
lost, lost, lost
we are wandering
please, please, please
just take my hand
tired and torn

---------

why cant i just fall asleep and never wake up,
living in only dreams and fantasy.
at least then, i would know what im doing.

---------

here i go
one more time
for all its worth
i wont cry
i wont sigh
i'll only laugh
as i go one more time

---------

I am the insanity of your life
If you hate me or fear me
you hate, fear, the truth
for i am the insanity of your life.

Feeling is returning. However it is making my skin crawl instead of  bringing warmth to my limbs. As feeling returned to my body I tried to move around look at where i was. My muscles ached as i tried to turn myself over onto my back and it seemed as if i have lost all energy to move. But i rolled onto my back and breathed out heavily from the strain. It was too much. I had to lie there before i could even begin to think.

As i lied there in my exhaustion, feeling was slowly returning. albeit painfully but at least it was coming back. When more and more feeling returned to my senses all warmth i had felt vanished like smoke in the wind. A cold creeped through and rooted itself all over my body. At that moment i tried to open my eyes. I saw only darkness. Panic struck me as i thought i had gone blind somehow but after a few moments i realized it was only because there was no light in the room.

Then when i tried to move some more i soon realized that it was the rock beneath me stealing away all my warmth. Sharp edges from the rock protrued into my body in various places and even went as far as cutting me slightly when i moved. It didnt matter though, my body already felt more pain then any cut could cause.

Many minutes passed by, maybe thirty or forty, but it was quite awhile before i attempted to stand up. Shivering and sore i mustered what strength i had and started pulling myself up. All of a sudden a blinding pain flashed through my right knee. If it wasnt for the rock wall that i grasped for, i would have fallen over and would have had to start all over again. The rock scraped my knee and left a a gash in it.

i could feel the blood seeping from my newly accquired wound. i quickly reached over and tried to stem the bleeding with my left hand. Again pain sped throughout my leg and i had to hold myself along the wall even more so that i didnt fall over. The bleeding soon stopped although probably more from the cold then my hand. blood caked my leg and my hand. i didnt lose alot of blood so i didnt worry much about it.

Then it struck me. When i reached down to stop the bleeding i had felt more then just blood. i felt skin. in a rush i searched elsewhere on my body. then my rush turned into panic. No wonder i was so cold and the rock cut me easily.

i was naked.

My panic opened up a new resivor of energy as i stumbled around looking for something, anything. just rock. cold hard rock. the room was still dark and this fueld my hysteria even more. i jumped up and found the wall once more again and walked along using it as my guide. after what seemed like forever, the room looked as if it lightening up. and it was. every step i took i saw more light. soon it was pouring in all over me and darkness retreated from it. i was blinded then not from the darkness but from the sudden apperance of light.i let go of the wall and covered my eyes so that they could adjust to this new world.

my feet no longer felt rock. they felt dirt. i couldnt see it but from feeling it i knew it was dirt. it was just as cold as the rock i had left but was alot kinder to my feet. i still couldnt see anything and this frightened me closer to the breaking point. but this was lessened when i started to see shapes and shades of color. it seemed as if things were getting better from that dark abyss i awoke to. suddenly all of it disapperead.

in an instant a howling wind stuck me, its cold bite harder then the rock. my body jerked forward from the dramatic cold that hit me and i fell onto the ground. it wasnt the vicious rock or the comforting soil that i felt. it was more cold. my bod was covered in a very wet cold material that i remembered as snow. after my initial fall i stood up as quick as i possibly could. i stood there griping my body trying to keep the last of my warmth. then my eyesight completely returned to me.

everything i saw was covered in that horrendous cold. everything was a stark white that tried to steal my eyesight from me once more. i saw only a wilderness covered in that terrorizing cold snow. i had come out of a cave i saw as i took in everything. a cave that was seemingly hostile to my very existence but at that time seemed like paradise to me.

i stood there for a few more seconds trying to figure everything out. i strained myself trying to remember what happened. but every memory evaded my searches. i tried to remember where i was at before this, what i was doing. questions raced through my mind with no answers in sight. then, one question came to my attention. a question that frightened me more than any hazard so far.

who am i?

i began to fall again. i fell into a deeper, darker place then the cave. even as the world bathed in light and painted itself white, an abyss took me into self. even as i fell the cold taking away my very life i felt nothing but that abyss. even as my dying eyes saw the outline of somebody walkint to me and lean over me, i was consumed by that abyss.

my eyes soon fell to the abyss, giving away sight to darkness. my body fell soon afterwards. but not before i could see the dark horns quietly protruding from right below his hairline, not before i saw those slight fangs and blood red eyes looking at me, not before i could feel his hands, covered in tiny scales pick me up from ground, not before i began to feel his body which burned with a warmth i have never known. soon afterwards, unconcencieness took ahold of me and i fell deeper into my abyss. the abyss that was now my new home.

in that moment.
i lost you.
both of you.

in that last period
we parted
to different lives.

in that finality
i cried my last tear
for now and ever.

in that good bye
i meant it forever
even if you didnt.

in that moment
i lost you
both of you.

in that moment
i witnessed the
death of friendships.